Fear of Success…
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. My work life is a total chaotic mess. Somedays I am literally saying the serenity prayer over and over in my head as I get called into meeting after meeting. The massive anxiety and panic has literally drained me by the time I hit 5pm. I have been coming home every night for the past month and crashing.
Meetings, coffee dates, sponsees calling me throughout my day and friends have seriously been the only thing pushing me through the days.
The funny thing is that I am actually not afraid of falling flat on my face. I have been pushing so hard for a raise and promotion that honestly getting turned down has been sort of ok. I actually feel relieved. It’s the fact that each time I get turned down, they turn around and push me forward once again. The uncertainty, the responsibility, the challenges I have had to stand up to compare nothing to the fear of what will happen if they finally give me what I want.
Here’s a little secret about life that I have learned in 2 years. Every experience you fall short/fail in life you will eventually have to re-do. It’s weird and strange but it’s been amazing to go back and redo different parts of my life I totally fucked up. Right now, I am reliving 2006 all over again and IT’S FUCKING FREAKING ME OUT.
I know how to fuck things up. I know how to show up to work in clothes from the night before and burn it all down. I know how to self-sabotage. I know how to shirk responsibility and blame it on other people. I know how to be a drunk who sits at the bar and complains about their job. I know how to get fired. I know how to fail. I know how to choke.
In 2006, I didn’t know how to show up and step up in a time of uncertainty and to patiently wait as my organization reorganizes my department. I didn’t know how to not self-sabotage because I was not getting what I want. I didn’t know how to not be consumed by self-centered fear. I didn’t know how to be a resource and support system to coworkers as they fear for their job as well. I didn’t know how to look for outside opportunities because I needed to have options. I didn’t know how to leave a bad situation. I didn’t know how to not let the negativity overwhelm me in my day to day. I didn’t know how to set boundaries between work chaos and home life serenity.
I didn’t know how to be successful. I didn’t know how to accept good things when they came my way. I didn’t know how to advocate for myself. I didn’t know how to sit down one on one with the CEO and tell him what I need to be successful.
I swear to fucking God, I am not doing any of these things perfectly. But I am showing up a minute at a time and learning how to do all of this. The reality is sometimes we need to fail to find out who we are and what we are made of. Everything I learned from getting fired in 2006 is saving me today. I have this unique opportunity to show up and relive history in a new way and to be the person I couldn’t be before.
Everyday is a constant struggle to not self-sabotage but with the support system I have in place, I can pretty much do anything. It takes a village…. And if I fail, it’s ok.
