"False Expectations
1999 Dec 19
Finally, the semester is over!!! I don’t know whether to be happy or upset, Happy- that it is over or Upset- that I did horrible….I am dreading next semester, you get to a certain point where each semester is supposed to be better, but it isn’t. And then on top of it, people keep telling you that maybe you should change your major. Not to mention, in hs, I bet someone that I wouldn’t (200 dollars payable at 5-year reunion), looks like next semester we will find out if I lose. And what makes it harder, is the fact that it is Christmas; you know you should be happy, but your not. Last night, I was so tired I couldn’t stay awake, but when I tried to go to sleep, I had a panic attack. I started hyperventilating and I just wanted to cry. Somehow that 300 dollars mom spent on presents doesn’t make me happy. Someone was just telling me today, that I should be happy that the semester is over, but I can’t be- I wasted a whole semester and now I am going to have to retake three of those classes. I don’t see how 3 weeks away is going to make me FEEL BETTER, when school isn’t the root of the problem, it is me. Imagine if everything you knew about yourself was found to be false, how would you feel? I used to know who I was, or at least I thought I did, and now I don’t know. Sometimes I just want to scream!!! I am tired of advice, I am tired of people trying to tell me how to live my life, I am tired of feeling this way all the time…. I had this really good dream last night of how my life should be, it wasn’t perfect utopia, but it was a normal life. Maybe next semester, I can have a semblance of that dream. Who knows? Why can’t life turn out the way you want it to? What is the use of planning, if nothing will come true? Something I do know for certain, is that in ten years, I am not going to be where I thought I would…but maybe I can find security and happiness. This is going to be rollercoaster ride of a break, I don’t know how to pretend to be happy around my friends, but I guess I will have to try. They are good to me, but I can’t help the moods, hopefully I can’t forget my worries and not feel like such a failure or like I let myself down. My Christmas wish: not to avoid life and to find some existence of stability in myself. I am going to use this journal to send my problems out into the world, so that people will know how I am feeling, and maybe I can release them too. Merry Christmas, we’ll see how mine goes."
1999 Dec 19
Finally, the semester is over!!! I don’t know whether to be happy or upset, Happy- that it is over or Upset- that I did horrible….I am dreading next semester, you get to a certain point where each semester is supposed to be better, but it isn’t. And then on top of it, people keep telling you that maybe you should change your major. Not to mention, in hs, I bet someone that I wouldn’t (200 dollars payable at 5-year reunion), looks like next semester we will find out if I lose. And what makes it harder, is the fact that it is Christmas; you know you should be happy, but your not. Last night, I was so tired I couldn’t stay awake, but when I tried to go to sleep, I had a panic attack. I started hyperventilating and I just wanted to cry. Somehow that 300 dollars mom spent on presents doesn’t make me happy. Someone was just telling me today, that I should be happy that the semester is over, but I can’t be- I wasted a whole semester and now I am going to have to retake three of those classes. I don’t see how 3 weeks away is going to make me FEEL BETTER, when school isn’t the root of the problem, it is me. Imagine if everything you knew about yourself was found to be false, how would you feel? I used to know who I was, or at least I thought I did, and now I don’t know. Sometimes I just want to scream!!! I am tired of advice, I am tired of people trying to tell me how to live my life, I am tired of feeling this way all the time…. I had this really good dream last night of how my life should be, it wasn’t perfect utopia, but it was a normal life. Maybe next semester, I can have a semblance of that dream. Who knows? Why can’t life turn out the way you want it to? What is the use of planning, if nothing will come true? Something I do know for certain, is that in ten years, I am not going to be where I thought I would…but maybe I can find security and happiness. This is going to be rollercoaster ride of a break, I don’t know how to pretend to be happy around my friends, but I guess I will have to try. They are good to me, but I can’t help the moods, hopefully I can’t forget my worries and not feel like such a failure or like I let myself down. My Christmas wish: not to avoid life and to find some existence of stability in myself. I am going to use this journal to send my problems out into the world, so that people will know how I am feeling, and maybe I can release them too. Merry Christmas, we’ll see how mine goes."
— My very first blog went back up online today along with all the photos we took from parties from Freshman and Sophomore year of college. This was my first entry ever on the internet and honestly, I could have written it three weeks ago. Money still doesn’t make me happy. I am still trying to find peace within myself and I am still trying to find my purpose in life. Work is crazy and I just don’t know what I want. I can’t decide if I am coming or going most days.
