Time never feels like enough…
Random fact: I have had a “blog” since December 1998. I was just cleaning up some of the privacy settings on some of my old online accounts and stumbled across some stuff I wrote in college.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my perception of relationships in my life and the reality of what actually happened- ie. my part. That fun thing we do in recovery where we look at our part and evaluate how to amend it and/or forgive ourselves. I have sort of been going over and over in my head stuff that happened in college with my roommates. I don’t understand why they hate me and it’s been something I have been trying to work through. It’s depressing, they go on trips together, are in each other’s weddings and all of this filters through my facebook. Someone suggested I make an amends to myself and delete them from facebook but I don’t want to do that until I make an amends to them first.
Anyways, I found an entry I wrote about them and about myself. I don’t think I was an easy person to live with, not based on what I wrote. I am not sure I would have liked me either. I find self-forgiveness a really hard concept to swallow. Sometimes, I feel like I am not doing enough, that I have not changed enough, and that I am not worthy of forgiveness. I am desperately trying to give time time but it never feels like enough. Sometimes I wonder if any of this gets easier.
It’s really what drives me through my day. My need to get as far away from the old “self-centered” Alice as much as possible. Showing up every day for other people is what makes recovery so amazing. I feel like eventually I will get to this point where I can forgive myself and go back to amend these past relationships. Personally, I think I am a long way off. But the good news is slowly, a minute at a time, I am working on having compassion for myself and for the person I used to be.
