Sometimes it’s rough trying to play God.
Or at least that’s how I felt today. I have been a pretty obsessed madman since January 3rd. Today, I definitely hit bottom. I love using the term bottom, because for me it’s the moment where doing the thing I have been doing over and over becomes so painful that I am forced to change everything.
Yesterday I found out I wasn’t getting something that I fought really hard for. Today, I shut my door at work and cried for a couple of hours. Sometimes crying is so beautiful because it becomes this act of absolute surrender. You cry when you literally have nothing left, the fight is done, all that’s left is surrender. Today, some very kind people stayed with me on the phone as I poured all my hopes and frustrations out in tears.
And tonight, I was able to pay forward that kindness. I have to admit, Belleview is a place I know very well- pre-renovation and post renovation. I have been there many times in the past and each time was extremely traumatic for me. Tonight, I returned under much different circumstances.
Reclamation is how I would describe tonight as I made my first trip ever to the detox ward with a friend. I didn’t really know what to expect and I have to admit, I was a little terrified going in. It’s not a pretty place. Detox is the last stop on the alcoholic/drug addict train. I had no idea I was going to speak in front of a group of men with varying ages and backgrounds. Some of them looked a little rough and I was really freaked out.
When I speak, I usually don’t share the darker parts of my history. Often I only discuss those in women’s meetings but tonight, I felt like I needed street cred. I am this tiny girl in this room with some rough characters and I don’t look like the self-destructive mess I used to be. But as I started sharing my story, I felt really comfortable and I started laughing through half of it. In the past, events like Brunch used to terrify me, I could never sit through it and would always have to leave halfway through. But sharing my deep dark personal history with guys who look like they have done time felt like the most natural thing in the world.
That magic happened that only occurs when two addicts are in the same room and enter into a conversation together. It’s like you have this special language that no one else understands. And these same guys that I previously type casted were actually kind, considerate, and somewhat thoughtful. We quietly listened and nodded as they worked out their issues. It was pretty amazing actually and it became this free flowing dialogue. I have never really told my whole story to a guy and so I was somewhat taken aback when a couple of the men were apologizing for different parts of my story. I still don’t know how I feel about it but it has given me a lot to think about.
I love doing service, it changes everything- my perception of myself, my perception of the world, and how I feel about life. I don’t know if those guys will stay sober tomorrow but I know they aren’t drinking tonight. It’s also a reminder of how precarious all of this is.
Two years ago, I would have gone on a three day bender over today’s events. Today, I read the Hunger Game trilogy (yes, I read all three!), cried, spoke at a detox ward, ate fries at the diner with a bunch of giggling ladies, and came home to my own bed. God, I love my life.
