boys, boys, boys: one step forward, three steps back.
Last night, I smiled at the cute guy in choir. The funny thing is I actually think he might be gay but it’s part of my whole trying to stop avoiding men campaign. Honestly, he looked a little taken aback when I did it but whatever, it’s a miracle that I actually smiled at a guy. It’s been really hard for me to speak to men I don’t know let alone smile.
I have never really been great with the opposite sex. They have always made me really nervous. I didn’t really start speaking to guys until I was in college. In high school, I was always friends gay guys and I liked that because it was safe for me. Later in college, I think I had my first real conversation with a member of the opposite sex the same day I had my first sip of beer: October 30, 1998.
In high school, I began melting down when I was 14 because I started to realize that my relationship with men was less than normal. Male teachers made me sick to my stomach and high school boys sent me into fits of fear. One day after my mother picked me up from school, I pleaded with her to get me help. I said to her very desperately, “Mommy, I think something is wrong with me, I really need to talk to someone.” And she told me to grow up and stop making everything about me.
It wasn’t until I started getting sober that I have even felt safe enough to address my issues with men. Lately, I have started crying and feeling really sad that I didn’t get the help I needed sooner. Sometimes, I think back to some of the really great friendships or relationships that I passed up out of fear and with remorse on the really bad ones I seemed to pursue.
I have started approaching the whole dating thing by taking one step forward, then about three steps back. I asked a friend a couple of weeks ago, “how did you find a healthy relationship when you had all these issues? Like how do I move past all of this?” And she replied back to me, “Alice, some day you are going to meet someone who loves you enough to be patient as you work through all of this. He’s out there.”
I have also been avoiding this whole black and white thinking. I used to think that I needed to be all in or all out but lately it’s just easier to baby step and if things get to be too much, I take a step back.
This morning, I talked to my crush and the whole time I was so awkward. I couldn’t make the words coming out of my mouth make sense. But I am realizing that most people don’t notice this stuff. He probably thought I was being charming.
I am so grateful for the male friendships I do have because they help me more than they know. But I am working really hard to not put men on pedestals and to not fantasize about who I think they might be. A man’s character is the sum of his choices and his actions.
I share all of this, because it might help someone else. The truth is I was broken for a really long time and I chose really bad people based on that brokenness. Today, I have clarity and insight. I can look at someone objectively and decide if they are the right fit for me. I have worked really hard to identify what it is I want in a partner. Sometimes, I don’t really understand why people fear getting to know themselves. I said to a sponsee the other day, “it’s not like you are going to wake up one day and realize you are a mass murderer. All of this is just really good information for figuring out what you want and what it takes to make you happy.”
I am starting to realize that when it comes to love, I probably have more hope today than I ever did before.
