God, I really enjoyed reading this. It’s so awesome to see someone go through this process. I think that’s another thing that really keeps me in recovery, I enjoy watching other people change when they take the time to sit down and work on their issues. I really identified with a lot of what he said.
I used to really enjoy Tucker Max and his stories. Traumatized from a fucked up childhood, I know firsthand what it’s like to have a dissociative disorder and to actively seek out that cycle of trauma well into adulthood. After a couple of years of intense therapy and recovery, reading his stories makes me cringe. Being around abusive people even if they are just “joking” makes me run for the hills. Sarcasm is a pretty sad character trait that I once thought was the measure of a man.
I am at this point in my own development where I have sort of talked out my trauma to death, now I need to go out and be an active participant in the relationships in my life. The only way I can work through my issues is by trial and error. It’s scary. To be honest, it’s easier for me to keep people at arm’s length because that’s how I feel safe. I still struggle with being vulnerable with people and I have mostly female friends at this point. I am trying to let more men in my life but it’s not easy and I don’t know if I am ready yet for that. Everyone keeps telling me to date, but honestly I would rather jump off a cliff. I am terrified of men.
But I am bringing this up because I think it’s really important to put the work in yourself. Whether it’s a 12 step program, psychotherapy, or taking up an ultimate sport. The outside really is meaningless, happiness is an inside job. I am not even entirely sure that the work is ever really done but I can say that life gets better.
I used to have this endless stream of noise in my head, this constant “you suck. your friends hate you. you piece of shit, you will never amount to nothing, you are broken, you are fucked up. no one loves you, everyone is doing stuff without you. you are a disease.” streaming through my head. I wanted to kill myself and there were times when I really wanted to kill myself. I did some pretty self destructive things hoping I wouldn’t have to live past 40. I was totally broken.
But today, that endless stream of noise has been replaced by this lovely silence, this beautiful white light, and this overwhelming feeling of love. Years of saying all of this out loud to other people and having people identify has healed a fair amount of what was once broken. I still have bad days but they get better.
I think mean people are sad and I am not attracted to drama. A friend said to me the other day that he noticed that these days I tend to “drive by the drama”. For the most part, I actively seek out happy people and others who are working on themselves.
Also, this article mentions that Tucker isn’t aware of how he has affected other people. I just want to say that that process takes years. I think you have to really work on yourself for a couple of years until you can go in and clean up the wreckage of your past. It doesn’t mean he won’t ever get to that point, it’s just that from my experience, that part comes later. You have to begin by building a solid foundation with yourself and that means having a couple of years of essentially living through the change.
Another thing I wanted to mention, in 2007-2008, I saw a Freudian psychoanalyst for a year. That ended up being one hell of a bad year. I will say this- you can’t work on shit if you are self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. In order to work through your stuff, you have to be willing to feel your feelings. The therapy did not work for me because I ended drinking through most of it. I would drink heavily the night before sessions and leave there crying headed for the nearest bar after.
I think for me what’s really been helpful has been the fellowship. I have a bunch of friends that I call daily when I am going through a rough time. And that’s something I didn’t have in 2007. She brought up for me a lot of ugly things and I remember blacking out a lot the summer of 2007 because I couldn’t handle it.
It’s so worth it. All of it.
