So beautifully written, I really love this. I purposely got sober 63 days before my 30th birthday. I chose that date because I knew that I didn’t want to go into another decade of my life miserable. I fucked up my 20s colossally. I didn’t just make mistakes, I literally burned my 20’s down. I sometimes feel like I have nothing to really show for it but then I remember if I hadn’t done all of the stupid shit I did back then, I wouldn’t be sitting here today.
I fucking love my 30’s. EVERYTHING has changed. I am a lot nicer, I am a lot kinder, and I am a lot more generous with everything- love, myself, my friends, work, etc.
You could not pay me to relive my 20’s. I think I needed to lose everything until I got to this point where I became teachable. Carrying around anger, guilt, and self-hatred serves you for a really long time. It feels really fucking fantastic to blame everyone and everything for the condition of your life. But then like most things, it stops working. And for me, it sapped me of the will to live. Destroying myself doesn’t work anymore. It’s actually easier to put the work into myself than to sit even one day in self-loathing.
I still get nightmares when I think back to what life felt like back then. And every once in awhile I get beautiful little reminders from the universe. Someone called me yesterday in the middle of the dts. It wasn’t pretty and trying to be someone’s life line as they go through the tremors, paranoia, and hearing voices is heart wrenching.
The good news about bottom, the only way forward is up.
(Source: parentheticallyspeaking)
