January 5, 2010.
I felt like shit yesterday. I was beyond depressed and pretty weepy. I found it really hard to be at work and felt pretty untethered all day long. I talked it out with program friends. I went to a meeting. At times I felt really angry and annoyed. I went into 3 bosses offices and I told them how I felt. I told them what I wanted. And then yesterday I left work in despair.
I walked around union square feeling like I was never going to feel good again. Later, I met up with a friend who took me to a comically bad movie. I drank lots of soda and ate my face off with the popcorn. I quickly cheered up and left the movie very happy.
This has a point. The thing is yesterday and this week I mourned the loss of an idea I had about something. Something is changing in my life and it’s eventually going to turn into something good but right now, that change is painful and really difficult. It means a lot of uncertainty and a lot of the unknown. I have mourned the loss of life I as knew it like a motherfucker this week.
But I do know this. Two years ago, on the exact same date. I had a similar reaction to an event that became a major turning point in my life. On January 5, 2010, I hit bottom. And because I didn’t have the presence of mind that I have today, I stayed there for 2 months. I didn’t have the tools or the support system to know that everything is going to be ok.
Did I realize that this date two years ago was going to set off a chain reaction that would destroy everything in my life and that at the end it would spit me out into a better place?
No. I wish I could paint the glorious dance that took part in the destruction of my old life. Every event, every bad decision was so perfectly designed to lead me right here. to this moment. to yesterday where once again on that same date I experienced a range of emotions that were hauntingly similar to the ones of Tuesday, January 5, 2010.
But here we are. One day later and I feel better. and there’s hope in that unknown. Bring it 2012.
