February 2012
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I don't want to hear about Whitney Houston.
It makes me sooooo fucking angry when people glorify the death of someone who was a drug addict and/or alcoholic. This disease is no fucking joke and if you walked into the rooms of AA or NA for even a month, someone you know dies. It’s awful, it’s a huge fucking wake up call.
But the reality is, the minute you put your disease first, you are already dead. We have all seen it,...
Long Run.
I have been completely comatose all day. After waking at 7:30am, I ran a long run and haven’t been able to move from my bed since then. Is this going to happen every saturday? Basic human interaction feels like it’s too much right now.
It’s 6:30 pm and I feel like I could go to sleep for the night. Ugh, Long Run.
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Gratitude 2/9/12
I want to share how immensely grateful I am for this past week. I have had not one but two opportunities to advocate for myself to the management of my organization.
Two years ago, I couldn’t string together a sentence on my best day. Today, I can go into a meeting with the CEO and the VP and with no forethought, I can clearly and concisely state my needs and desires. What a fucking...
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Fear of Success...
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. My work life is a total chaotic mess. Somedays I am literally saying the serenity prayer over and over in my head as I get called into meeting after meeting. The massive anxiety and panic has literally drained me by the time I hit 5pm. I have been coming home every night for the past month and crashing.
Meetings, coffee dates, sponsees calling me throughout my...
“For the past four years, every day I have come to work and everyone keeps...”
– Deep thoughts during my one on one meeting with our CEO. He assured me that after he was done with our transition, I could let my apple show. Honestly, I can’t believe I used this analogy but basically I will pretty much say anything to get my point across.
“False Expectations
1999 Dec 19
Finally, the semester is over!!! I don’t...”
– My very first blog went back up online today along with all the photos we took from parties from Freshman and Sophomore year of college. This was my first entry ever on the internet and honestly, I could have written it three weeks ago. Money still doesn’t make me happy. I am still trying...
I didn't watch Smash last night....
because I watched the pilot 4 TIMES last week online….
It’s that good. If Fringe ends up canceled, I might almost be ok. I will turn all my love and thoughts to Smash. It reminds me of when I was a kid, I would pretend the sidewalk in front of our house was a Broadway Stage. I would make up loud songs and belt them for the neighbors.
That’s how this show makes me feel. I...
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Time never feels like enough...
Random fact: I have had a “blog” since December 1998. I was just cleaning up some of the privacy settings on some of my old online accounts and stumbled across some stuff I wrote in college.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my perception of relationships in my life and the reality of what actually happened- ie. my part. That fun thing we do in recovery where we look at our...
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Where everyone knows your name...
I used to think bars were this place where people got drunk and bonded over life shit. OMG, people who drank were so fucking cool to me, they were full of such interesting things. I couldn’t wait to leave work and get wasted. I met everyone from my best friend to boyfriends in bars. You would sit at the stool and bitch to the proprietor about your day and talk about randomly superficial...
If you aren't happy in new york city, LEAVE.
Today’s theme at church. It was amazing. There was Sondheim and dancing and broadway.
The Minister talked about how to survive in NYC, you need two things, “Faith” and “Zeal”. Faith that you are exactly where you should be and that everything is going to work out. Zeal for when things are tough and you need something to keep you going. He said if you have a...
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Breakthroughs and Minor Victories...
I just finished the Hot Chocolate 10k in Riverside Park this morning in 1:03. I feel pretty fucking high right now. I love the natural highs of life, the euphoria is unlike any substance I have ever put into my body.
Last night, I had another minor victory. After a year of major, major, intense treatment for trauma, I got through to the other side. It was scary and painful and often times I...
Moral Outrage
I got a 5 on my performance review for adherence to Corporate Compliance. My boss told me I am the most “moral” person she knows. Apparently, I carry my soapbox quite well.
How did a cigarette thieving ten year old become such a beautifully manicured and polished purveyor of strong integrity and high moral values?
Some of you know the answer, the others- it must be all the kool...
My cat even has a nail polish named after her. ... →
I need help...Thanks, Universe!
So lately there’s been a whole lot of desperation in my life. I have hit a wall and I am beyond exhausted with all of my shit. After 8 months of INTENSE therapy and TLC, my anxiety has finally started to dissipate. It’s like waking up after being in a coma. It’s funny, I didn’t even realize how much pain I was in until I woke up one day and it was gone. The past couple...
January 2012
Things I hate about being a fundraiser #578:
Verbally abusive board members.
what's going on with me....
so I have barely had two minutes to sit at a computer in the past week because half of my department at work quit. the details are actually not that important.
While I have been initially denied a promotion and a raise, I am taking on a coworker’s job. I have spent all day in meetings about it and have come to two conclusions:
1. It’s a big job, a lot of overtime and...
Daily Gratitude.
Last night, I went to the diner with an old drinking buddy. This is the second friend I have known to get sober. It’s funny because both friends came in on their own and we sort of ran into each other accidentally.
We were laughing last night about how when we were drinking we didn’t really like each other. And with the other friend, we would get black out wasted together and...
7 miles in 70 minutes.
It’s taken me 4 years to hit 7 miles again. I am so proud of myself. I was only going to do 3 but I just kept taking it a mile at a time and made it to 7.
Next week, we do 8!
Sometimes it's rough trying to play God.
Or at least that’s how I felt today. I have been a pretty obsessed madman since January 3rd. Today, I definitely hit bottom. I love using the term bottom, because for me it’s the moment where doing the thing I have been doing over and over becomes so painful that I am forced to change everything.
Yesterday I found out I wasn’t getting something that I fought really hard...
The Ego.
I am not going to miss a couple of egos when they exit my life. I don’t know how normal people deal with it. Having someone get in my face on two separate occasions for some ill perceived wrong is not fun.
Something that has changed within me is that I no longer pick up other people’s baggage. This is a recent thing as well. I think we all struggle with it to some degree but more...
Bottoming Out.
There’s an unexpected side effect of bottoming out or at least an epiphany I had one day last week. Once you lose everything, it becomes a lot easier to reject the unacceptable. Knowing what bottom feels like gives you the space to be brave.
It’s become obvious to me that in a lot of areas of my life I really have nothing to lose if I put all my cards on the table. Like I have...
“The only thing someone’s opinion of you is is their version of your story and...”
– - Angry (via theangrytherapist)
Love this. totally true. I take very little stock in what other people say these days.
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Recovery is not for everyone.
Something that really bothers me is I can not read stuff from people who talk about their drug or alcohol problem with little self-awareness. I am not the “kick you while you are down” type and I don’t enjoy watching someone bottom or destroy their life. I will politely leave you alone if that’s the course you want to take.
As a recovering addict, it’s not like I...
boys, boys, boys: one step forward, three steps...
Last night, I smiled at the cute guy in choir. The funny thing is I actually think he might be gay but it’s part of my whole trying to stop avoiding men campaign. Honestly, he looked a little taken aback when I did it but whatever, it’s a miracle that I actually smiled at a guy. It’s been really hard for me to speak to men I don’t know let alone smile.
I have never...
Tucker Max and Psychoanalysis →
God, I really enjoyed reading this. It’s so awesome to see someone go through this process. I think that’s another thing that really keeps me in recovery, I enjoy watching other people change when they take the time to sit down and work on their issues. I really identified with a lot of what he said.
I used to really enjoy Tucker Max and his stories. Traumatized from a fucked up...
lately i've realized my thirties don't suck →
So beautifully written, I really love this. I purposely got sober 63 days before my 30th birthday. I chose that date because I knew that I didn’t want to go into another decade of my life miserable. I fucked up my 20s colossally. I didn’t just make mistakes, I literally burned my 20’s down. I sometimes feel like I have nothing to really show for it but then I remember if I...
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Tracking the Recovery Tag →
allibrat:
believeinrecovery:
so i ‘track’ the recovery tag and it sooo depresses me. people are so bummed out about having to be in recovery. the path of recovery is a beautiful thing and should be embraced. people should overcome whatever their fears are, the fear of the unknown. jump head first into positive thinking. …
I hear that. The thing about tumblr and blogging in general is that...
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A love letter to the women in my life.
A couple of years ago I prided myself on being a guy’s girl. I thought it was fun to be a beer guzzling, swearing, football watching, insensitive girl who could hang with the guys. I surrounded myself with mostly male relationships because I honestly couldn’t connect with women. They made me nervous. I lacked this ability to connect with them and I didn’t know how to be...
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Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close
allthedeliciousness:
I fear watching this might bring me to my knees in a bout of full on PTSD, or it might just be part of what is likely to be a lifetime of healing.
I think I’ll wait and see what others have to say. I’ll definitely wait for the DVD, I don’t think this is something I could watch in public.
I found this movie to be extremely triggering. I spent most of the movie trying not...
Epilogue
Thanks to everyone for their support, it really means a lot. So in response to Thursday, on Friday, I put on a suit and stepped up at work. Real change happens from within and these days, when someone tells me I can’t do something, I take that as a challenge to prove them wrong.
The most amazing thing happened on friday, I spoke up in a really important meeting and made the CEO cry with...
A Lesson.
Today I went into a meeting with a higher up to discuss my future and my personal goals regarding my profession. What I thought would be a wonderful opportunity to talk about growth became a lesson in everything wrong I have ever done.
Every dumb thing you do drunk, you will regret it ten fold if you ever have the opportunity to get sober. People do not forget. If you fuck up, they will not...
Change means
the surrender of all your thoughts, ideas, fantasies and expectations about how you think something should turn out.
It means complete acceptance that whatever happens happens and that it’s meant to be.
It means letting go and trusting that everything is going to be ok.
It means having faith.
Today, my intention is to have more faith and trust that all of this is part of my journey.
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Incomprehensible Demoralization.
scarletbooksandthoughts replied to your post: It’s not about how much you drink…
wow that is super powerful.
I wrote this because I have been seeing all these silly debates on how many drinks it takes to have a drinking problem. And the answer is - you can’t put a number on that.
It’s interesting. When people know you are sober, they want you to diagnose everyone...
It's not about how much you drink...
it’s about how it makes you feel.
And then the question is: Can you live with that?
Mary Fucking Sunshine
A friend asked me on Sunday night why I couldn’t just accept what is going on in my life and see the positive- like I usually do. To quote, “aren’t you usually Mary Fucking Sunshine about shit like this?”
The thing is I am. I totally am, but what most people never see is the process it takes to get to that place of total surrender and acceptance. I don’t know,...
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January 5, 2010.
I felt like shit yesterday. I was beyond depressed and pretty weepy. I found it really hard to be at work and felt pretty untethered all day long. I talked it out with program friends. I went to a meeting. At times I felt really angry and annoyed. I went into 3 bosses offices and I told them how I felt. I told them what I wanted. And then yesterday I left work in despair.
I walked around...
we have that kind of relationship.
This morning my sponsor asked me about a guy and I replied, “yes, we are having coffee this weekend.”
She then preceded to do a little song and dance in excitement for me in the middle of a half crowded room. “AWwwwww, yeah, Alice has a date….”
Where would I be in life without this unwavering love and support??
Email hacked?
Earlier this morning I started getting notifications from facebook and other sites that someone was trying to reset my passwords. Then someone used my username to sign me up for citysex.com and a few other unsavory websites.
Also, some idiot signed me up for pregnancy emails. At this point, a lot of it has been gmail letting people sign up for email addresses with my name@gmail.com BUT they...
A friend is...
someone who lets you pour your heart out for 20 mins on the corner of 23rd and 8th avenue AND doesn’t even care that Debbie Harry just walked by. Fucking difficult week. I desperately needed to hear that I was on the right path and today someone gave that to me.
Thank you.
If you aren't a part of the solution, then you are...
I almost bitched slapped my coworker at our staff meeting today. Doing what she has done for the past 4 years, every single fucking week, she started rattling off a list of complaints about our organization and department and all the reasons we fail at what we do. Honestly, I don’t know why no one has shut her down before.
But here’s the thing, I have nothing to lose. I am not...
December 2011
Manifesting your Destiny, why your words matter...
Can I just mention how fucking different this New Year’s Eve is from 2 years ago?!!?!? 3 years ago….4 years ago….5 years ago…6 years ago….
Always the same. I would go to whatever party I decided to crash, get wasted, pick up some random gomer and then wake up the next day feeling pretty shitty.
What a difference 2 years makes. It’s so amazing to me that...
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Change is PAINFUL: tips that have helped me.
January seems to be a good month for making changes and it seems like a lot of people have some really great goals. When I decided to make some major changes to my life two years ago, it wasn’t easy and it definitely wasn’t overnight. In order to become this bright shiny and new person, I had to go through a lot of messy, icky, chaotic crying, kicking, and screaming. Change is not...