January 2012
The Ego.
I am not going to miss a couple of egos when they exit my life. I don’t know how normal people deal with it. Having someone get in my face on two separate occasions for some ill perceived wrong is not fun.
Something that has changed within me is that I no longer pick up other people’s baggage. This is a recent thing as well. I think we all struggle with it to some degree but more...
Bottoming Out.
There’s an unexpected side effect of bottoming out or at least an epiphany I had one day last week. Once you lose everything, it becomes a lot easier to reject the unacceptable. Knowing what bottom feels like gives you the space to be brave.
It’s become obvious to me that in a lot of areas of my life I really have nothing to lose if I put all my cards on the table. Like I have...
“The only thing someone’s opinion of you is is their version of your story and...”
– - Angry (via theangrytherapist)
Love this. totally true. I take very little stock in what other people say these days.
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Recovery is not for everyone.
Something that really bothers me is I can not read stuff from people who talk about their drug or alcohol problem with little self-awareness. I am not the “kick you while you are down” type and I don’t enjoy watching someone bottom or destroy their life. I will politely leave you alone if that’s the course you want to take.
As a recovering addict, it’s not like I...
boys, boys, boys: one step forward, three steps...
Last night, I smiled at the cute guy in choir. The funny thing is I actually think he might be gay but it’s part of my whole trying to stop avoiding men campaign. Honestly, he looked a little taken aback when I did it but whatever, it’s a miracle that I actually smiled at a guy. It’s been really hard for me to speak to men I don’t know let alone smile.
I have never...
Tucker Max and Psychoanalysis →
God, I really enjoyed reading this. It’s so awesome to see someone go through this process. I think that’s another thing that really keeps me in recovery, I enjoy watching other people change when they take the time to sit down and work on their issues. I really identified with a lot of what he said.
I used to really enjoy Tucker Max and his stories. Traumatized from a fucked up...
lately i've realized my thirties don't suck →
So beautifully written, I really love this. I purposely got sober 63 days before my 30th birthday. I chose that date because I knew that I didn’t want to go into another decade of my life miserable. I fucked up my 20s colossally. I didn’t just make mistakes, I literally burned my 20’s down. I sometimes feel like I have nothing to really show for it but then I remember if I...
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Tracking the Recovery Tag →
allibrat:
believeinrecovery:
so i ‘track’ the recovery tag and it sooo depresses me. people are so bummed out about having to be in recovery. the path of recovery is a beautiful thing and should be embraced. people should overcome whatever their fears are, the fear of the unknown. jump head first into positive thinking. …
I hear that. The thing about tumblr and blogging in general is that...
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A love letter to the women in my life.
A couple of years ago I prided myself on being a guy’s girl. I thought it was fun to be a beer guzzling, swearing, football watching, insensitive girl who could hang with the guys. I surrounded myself with mostly male relationships because I honestly couldn’t connect with women. They made me nervous. I lacked this ability to connect with them and I didn’t know how to be...
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Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close
allthedeliciousness:
I fear watching this might bring me to my knees in a bout of full on PTSD, or it might just be part of what is likely to be a lifetime of healing.
I think I’ll wait and see what others have to say. I’ll definitely wait for the DVD, I don’t think this is something I could watch in public.
I found this movie to be extremely triggering. I spent most of the movie trying not...
Epilogue
Thanks to everyone for their support, it really means a lot. So in response to Thursday, on Friday, I put on a suit and stepped up at work. Real change happens from within and these days, when someone tells me I can’t do something, I take that as a challenge to prove them wrong.
The most amazing thing happened on friday, I spoke up in a really important meeting and made the CEO cry with...
A Lesson.
Today I went into a meeting with a higher up to discuss my future and my personal goals regarding my profession. What I thought would be a wonderful opportunity to talk about growth became a lesson in everything wrong I have ever done.
Every dumb thing you do drunk, you will regret it ten fold if you ever have the opportunity to get sober. People do not forget. If you fuck up, they will not...
Change means
the surrender of all your thoughts, ideas, fantasies and expectations about how you think something should turn out.
It means complete acceptance that whatever happens happens and that it’s meant to be.
It means letting go and trusting that everything is going to be ok.
It means having faith.
Today, my intention is to have more faith and trust that all of this is part of my journey.
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Incomprehensible Demoralization.
scarletbooksandthoughts replied to your post: It’s not about how much you drink…
wow that is super powerful.
I wrote this because I have been seeing all these silly debates on how many drinks it takes to have a drinking problem. And the answer is - you can’t put a number on that.
It’s interesting. When people know you are sober, they want you to diagnose everyone...
It's not about how much you drink...
it’s about how it makes you feel.
And then the question is: Can you live with that?
Mary Fucking Sunshine
A friend asked me on Sunday night why I couldn’t just accept what is going on in my life and see the positive- like I usually do. To quote, “aren’t you usually Mary Fucking Sunshine about shit like this?”
The thing is I am. I totally am, but what most people never see is the process it takes to get to that place of total surrender and acceptance. I don’t know,...
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January 5, 2010.
I felt like shit yesterday. I was beyond depressed and pretty weepy. I found it really hard to be at work and felt pretty untethered all day long. I talked it out with program friends. I went to a meeting. At times I felt really angry and annoyed. I went into 3 bosses offices and I told them how I felt. I told them what I wanted. And then yesterday I left work in despair.
I walked around...
we have that kind of relationship.
This morning my sponsor asked me about a guy and I replied, “yes, we are having coffee this weekend.”
She then preceded to do a little song and dance in excitement for me in the middle of a half crowded room. “AWwwwww, yeah, Alice has a date….”
Where would I be in life without this unwavering love and support??
Email hacked?
Earlier this morning I started getting notifications from facebook and other sites that someone was trying to reset my passwords. Then someone used my username to sign me up for citysex.com and a few other unsavory websites.
Also, some idiot signed me up for pregnancy emails. At this point, a lot of it has been gmail letting people sign up for email addresses with my name@gmail.com BUT they...
A friend is...
someone who lets you pour your heart out for 20 mins on the corner of 23rd and 8th avenue AND doesn’t even care that Debbie Harry just walked by. Fucking difficult week. I desperately needed to hear that I was on the right path and today someone gave that to me.
Thank you.
If you aren't a part of the solution, then you are...
I almost bitched slapped my coworker at our staff meeting today. Doing what she has done for the past 4 years, every single fucking week, she started rattling off a list of complaints about our organization and department and all the reasons we fail at what we do. Honestly, I don’t know why no one has shut her down before.
But here’s the thing, I have nothing to lose. I am not...
December 2011
Manifesting your Destiny, why your words matter...
Can I just mention how fucking different this New Year’s Eve is from 2 years ago?!!?!? 3 years ago….4 years ago….5 years ago…6 years ago….
Always the same. I would go to whatever party I decided to crash, get wasted, pick up some random gomer and then wake up the next day feeling pretty shitty.
What a difference 2 years makes. It’s so amazing to me that...
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Change is PAINFUL: tips that have helped me.
January seems to be a good month for making changes and it seems like a lot of people have some really great goals. When I decided to make some major changes to my life two years ago, it wasn’t easy and it definitely wasn’t overnight. In order to become this bright shiny and new person, I had to go through a lot of messy, icky, chaotic crying, kicking, and screaming. Change is not...
Garmin Forerunner 405
I can not get this motherfucker to work properly. I feel like I almost need to take a class to figure it out!
Also, I am excited to run the Emerald NYE run. It feels really good to start off this year doing something 100 percent just for me. I want to do something that really sets the tone for this year.
Also, my parents bought me fancy running pants so now I have to start training on Sunday...
2011, I regret nothing.
I have being seeing a lot of lists of 2011 grievances going around on the internet lately and I can say for the first time in my life, I don’t regret one thing that happened this year. Lost friends, new apartment, family arguments, petty fights, etc.
This year was the 2nd most painful year of my life, 2000 was number 1. I am so incredibly proud of how far I have come and everything I have...
OMG! Downton Abbey Christmas Special Trailer!!!! →
Also, photos here. You can find video here after it airs on Christmas night. I am so excited for this.
young adult. spoilers, i guess, but whatever →
nudawn:
via 6od
So I really wanted to write a proper review about this movie which I thoroughly disliked, but I can’t think of anything to say that 6od didnt say already. This review (click link) nails it.
Edit: If I dont say this shit out loud its going to keep bothering me
Character Arch
I keep reading that this is a character study, which is why there is really no kind of plot and...
How to Identify Toxic Friends →
paleseptemberr:
Do you have a pal who reminds you more of a possessive boyfriend than a friend? Maybe Snow White’s stepmother or a huge butthead of a boss? I’ve had more than enough experience with these energy-suckers over the last twenty-odd years and if any of those examples are making your heart pump, there is a good chance you are dealing with the BP oil spill of your social life.
Take...
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elledeau replied to your post: Revenge is not a story about redemption.
Absolute best drama on network television. Period. It started as a guilty pleasure for me and now the guilty is LONG gone.
I fucking know! Madeline Stowe used to be my favorite actress when I was a teenager. She is so gorgeous.
Revenge is not a story about redemption.
It’s a story about revenge and it says so in the pilot. If you aren’t watching this show, you should be. The first 10 episodes are now on ABC.com. I have been sick all week so it’s kept me busy. Loosely based on The Count of Monte Cristo, it’s about a girl that sets out to destroy the wealthy set in the Hamptons. I love this show.
What’s interesting about this...
Dance or run, dance or run, dance or run?????
I can’t decide what to do for NYE. My options are a sweaty dance in soho with over a 1000 people OR a 4 mile run in Central Park. I don’t know what to do!!!!
Is anyone else doing the Emerald Nuts Midnight Run? I really want to do it!
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Update on my non profit idea...
I am definitely moving forward with my idea. I have been running it by a lot of people and so many have said to me that they would love to be involved with it.
I have been doing a lot of writing and meditating on it. Asking questions like, “what would program structure look like?”
Next week, my mother and I are going to sit down and write a strategic plan. I love strategic...
In which we move to a new and awkward stage of our...
I am one of those people who runs every single little thing by their mentor. She knows me better than any single person in the world. She knows every little inane detail of my life. It’s a pretty extraordinary thing to be known so well by one person. It’s also really annoying.
I am not dating yet, but I am slowly inching toward dating. It’s been almost 2 years and I still...
644 Days...
I went from 156 to 131.
Wow, 25 pounds is a lot.
Losing weight takes fucking years. But apparently, that’s the right way to do it. I can tell you, this didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of hard days, mistakes made, sugar binges, feeling extremely uncomfortable and tears. Lots of tears.
A day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time, anything is possible.
Does this shirt make me look fat?
“Alice, you can’t look fat because you have no fat.”
Some of the women in my department were discussing how much weight I have lost in 2 years. It’s really interesting, I can’t see myself very clearly AT ALL. But when I listened to them talk about how skinny I have gotten, I feel like I sort of got it today.
Things that have contributed to my weight loss:
1. I...
