State of Grace

I need help…Thanks, Universe!

So lately there’s been a whole lot of desperation in my life.  I have hit a wall and I am beyond exhausted with all of my shit.  After 8 months of INTENSE therapy and TLC, my anxiety has finally started to dissipate.  It’s like waking up after being in a coma.  It’s funny, I didn’t even realize how much pain I was in until I woke up one day and it was gone.  The past couple of weeks have been like night and day. 

Where I used to watch the minutes tick by, I now find myself relaxing into time and fully immersing myself in life.  The past year has been absolute torture and I realized yesterday that I am actually scared things will get bad again.  During this extremely difficult time, my life has gotten incredibly small.  I almost think that it’s been to my benefit because some of the friendships I was struggling with fell to the wayside as I struggled to keep up with my day to day. 

I have been speaking a lot at meetings and putting everything on the table.  I have been approached by several women for help and am now sponsoring 4 people.  I think what really helps me recover is that all of my trials and tribulations help other people.  It’s like having this badge of courage that people look to when they are trying to get out of their own dark hole.  I have been to hell and back and I know it gets better.

On Friday, I am meeting with a specialist to go over my case.  He’s going to evaluate my progress and I think this will be really good for me.  I don’t want to lose time again.  It feels really good to be apart of life again and I don’t want to have to retreat. 

All of a sudden, everything in my life has picked up.  I am constantly busy, things with sponsees are coming up.  I spent last night in urgent care with one and I am meeting with 2 other this weekend.  I feel like I have been begging the universe for help for awhile and it’s finally appearing.  It’s funny how it never happens on my time or the way I want it to.  I asked for a new job, not 4 sponsees.  

If I had to lose a couple of years of my life to gain a life, I don’t consider that a bad trade.  As my therapist said to me last night, “you have been going 90 miles an hour at this for 2 years, I think it’s time you got to relax and have a little fun.  Let us help you with that.”

Also, totally random- up until now I had no interest in dating.  But for the past week, I have started getting interested in it.  Change is in the air!

Things I hate about being a fundraiser #578:

Verbally abusive board members.

what’s going on with me….

so I have barely had two minutes to sit at a computer in the past week because half of my department at work quit.  the details are actually not that important.

While I have been initially denied a promotion and a raise, I am taking on a coworker’s job.  I have spent all day in meetings about it and have come to two conclusions:

1.  It’s a big job, a lot of overtime and responsibility.

2.  I have a lot of bargaining power.

Now I have to figure out what I want to do with this information.

While I am trying not to be a bull in a china shop about it, this is the one area of my life that has changed for the better in two years.  I have no problem speaking my mind and asking for what I want.  I also have no problem moving on if I don’t get what I want. 

I have a lot of trust that things will work out and faith in my future.  And that’s where I am at currently. 

Daily Gratitude.

Last night, I went to the diner with an old drinking buddy.  This is the second friend I have known to get sober.  It’s funny because both friends came in on their own and we sort of ran into each other accidentally.  

We were laughing last night about how when we were drinking we didn’t really like each other.  And with the other friend, we would get black out wasted together and always drunkenly proclaim we were going to be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.  That never happened because I always forgot about her in the haze of next day’s hangover.  I must have taken her number a dozen times.  

In each case, we were so self-involved in our own pain that we didn’t see the pain of the person next to us.  It’s really funny how that happens.  I can’t believe I am friends today with these two remarkable people.  I was incapable of being anyone’s friend for a really long time.  I was stuck on survival mode for so long that at times I could barely function.  

Things change, life moves on.  Slowly, slowly, you wake up.  A friend said to me last week, “There are no bad people, they are just asleep.  Someday they will wake up too.”

It’s nice having friends to wake up to.

7 miles in 70 minutes.

It’s taken me 4 years to hit 7 miles again.  I am so proud of myself.  I was only going to do 3 but I just kept taking it a mile at a time and made it to 7.  

Next week, we do 8!

Sometimes it’s rough trying to play God.

Or at least that’s how I felt today.  I have been a pretty obsessed madman since January 3rd.  Today, I definitely hit bottom.  I love using the term bottom, because for me it’s the moment where doing the thing I have been doing over and over becomes so painful that I am forced to change everything.  

Yesterday I found out I wasn’t getting something that I fought really hard for.  Today, I shut my door at work and cried for a couple of hours.  Sometimes crying is so beautiful because it becomes this act of absolute surrender.  You cry when you literally have nothing left, the fight is done, all that’s left is surrender.  Today, some very kind people stayed with me on the phone as I poured all my hopes and frustrations out in tears.  

And tonight, I was able to pay forward that kindness.  I have to admit, Belleview is a place I know very well- pre-renovation and post renovation.  I have been there many times in the past and each time was extremely traumatic for me.  Tonight, I returned under much different circumstances.  

Reclamation is how I would describe tonight as I made my first trip ever to the detox ward with a friend.  I didn’t really know what to expect and I have to admit, I was a little terrified going in.  It’s not a pretty place.  Detox is the last stop on the alcoholic/drug addict train.  I had no idea I was going to speak in front of a group of men with varying ages and backgrounds.  Some of them looked a little rough and I was really freaked out.

When I speak, I usually don’t share the darker parts of my history.  Often I only discuss those in women’s meetings but tonight, I felt like I needed street cred.  I am this tiny girl in this room with some rough characters and I don’t look like the self-destructive mess I used to be.  But as I started sharing my story, I felt really comfortable and I started laughing through half of it.  In the past, events like Brunch used to terrify me, I could never sit through it and would always have to leave halfway through.  But sharing my deep dark personal history with guys who look like they have done time felt like the most natural thing in the world.

That magic happened that only occurs when two addicts are in the same room and enter into a conversation together.  It’s like you have this special language that no one else understands.  And these same guys that I previously type casted were actually kind, considerate, and somewhat thoughtful.  We quietly listened and nodded as they worked out their issues.  It was pretty amazing actually and it became this free flowing dialogue.  I have never really told my whole story to a guy and so I was somewhat taken aback when a couple of the men were apologizing for different parts of my story.  I still don’t know how I feel about it but it has given me a lot to think about.

I love doing service, it changes everything- my perception of myself, my perception of the world, and how I feel about life.  I don’t know if those guys will stay sober tomorrow but I know they aren’t drinking tonight.  It’s also a reminder of how precarious all of this is.  

Two years ago, I would have gone on a three day bender over today’s events.  Today, I read the Hunger Game trilogy (yes, I read all three!), cried, spoke at a detox ward, ate fries at the diner with a bunch of giggling ladies, and came home to my own bed.   God, I love my life.

The Ego.

I am not going to miss a couple of egos when they exit my life.  I don’t know how normal people deal with it.  Having someone get in my face on two separate occasions for some ill perceived wrong is not fun. 

Something that has changed within me is that I no longer pick up other people’s baggage.  This is a recent thing as well.  I think we all struggle with it to some degree but more and more it’s gotten easier for me to see what issues are mine and which ones belong entirely to the other person.

Sometimes, I have to pause and think, “ok, is this about me or is this about him?”  More often than not, it’s about the other person and the reason I am uncomfortable is because my go to response is to think that I have done something wrong.

I just want to be around happy, well developed people, not this dysfunctional family crap.  I work really hard to keep my ego grounded and in check, why can’t other people do the same as well.

Or as my sponsor likes to say, “this is all very good information.”

Bottoming Out.

There’s an unexpected side effect of bottoming out or at least an epiphany I had one day last week.  Once you lose everything, it becomes a lot easier to reject the unacceptable.  Knowing what bottom feels like gives you the space to be brave. 

It’s become obvious to me that in a lot of areas of my life I really have nothing to lose if I put all my cards on the table.  Like I have already lost everything and I have found that anytime I put any person, place, or thing in front of myself, I will lose that person, place, or thing.  So by asking for what I am worth in any relationship- if I lose that relationship as a result, I KNOW I WILL BE OK.

Because 2 years ago, I lost everything.  Not only did I gain it back but I got a brighter shinier and newer version of it.  People are irreplaceable but sometimes with time and space, they come back.  Sometimes we have to lose things in order to find ourselves and become a better version of who we are. 

At the end of the day, what’s a job really?  It’s just a job and I am sure there will be more. 

Recovery is not for everyone.

Something that really bothers me is I can not read stuff from people who talk about their drug or alcohol problem with little self-awareness.  I am not the “kick you while you are down” type and I don’t enjoy watching someone bottom or destroy their life. I will politely leave you alone if that’s the course you want to take.

As a recovering addict, it’s not like I really know who has a problem and who doesn’t but there is sort of this commonality we all share and I know the signs.  I lived the signs.  People were not very nice to me when I had a problem and the funny thing is I don’t blame them.  The best thing anyone ever did for me was to leave me alone.  It helped me figure my shit out much faster than if they had pretended what I was doing was ok. 

But man, it makes me so uncomfortable to read about someone’s drug problem and they think it’s hilarious.  Yes, it’s so funny that you can’t quit doing something that is destroying your relationships, sapping your will to live, and negatively affecting every area of your life.  Mazel tov. 

Recovery is not for everyone, but I don’t like the alternative and I don’t want it anywhere near my life.  Also, this wasn’t written about anyone in particular just some stuff I see from time to time and from my own frustration of what it’s like to realize someone you love has a problem and is in denial.  Ugh, not fun.

boys, boys, boys: one step forward, three steps back.

Last night, I smiled at the cute guy in choir.  The funny thing is I actually think he might be gay but it’s part of my whole trying to stop avoiding men campaign.  Honestly, he looked a little taken aback when I did it but whatever, it’s a miracle that I actually smiled at a guy.  It’s been really hard for me to speak to men I don’t know let alone smile. 

I have never really been great with the opposite sex.  They have always made me really nervous.  I didn’t really start speaking to guys until I was in college.  In high school, I was always friends gay guys and I liked that because it was safe for me.  Later in college, I think I had my first real conversation with a member of the opposite sex the same day I had my first sip of beer:  October 30, 1998. 

In high school, I began melting down when I was 14 because I started to realize that my relationship with men was less than normal.  Male teachers made me sick to my stomach and high school boys sent me into fits of fear.  One day after my mother picked me up from school, I pleaded with her to get me help.  I said to her very desperately, “Mommy, I think something is wrong with me, I really need to talk to someone.”  And she told me to grow up and stop making everything about me. 

It wasn’t until I started getting sober that I have even felt safe enough to address my issues with men.  Lately, I have started crying and feeling really sad that I didn’t get the help I needed sooner.  Sometimes, I think back to some of the really great friendships or relationships that I passed up out of fear and with remorse on the really bad ones I seemed to pursue. 

I have started approaching the whole dating thing by taking one step forward, then about three steps back.  I asked a friend a couple of weeks ago, “how did you find a healthy relationship when you had all these issues?  Like how do I move past all of this?”  And she replied back to me, “Alice, some day you are going to meet someone who loves you enough to be patient as you work through all of this.  He’s out there.”

I have also been avoiding this whole black and white thinking.  I used to think that I needed to be all in or all out but lately it’s just easier to baby step and if things get to be too much, I take a step back. 

This morning, I talked to my crush and the whole time I was so awkward.  I couldn’t make the words coming out of my mouth make sense.  But I am realizing that most people don’t notice this stuff.  He probably thought I was being charming. 

I am so grateful for the male friendships I do have because they help me more than they know.  But I am working really hard to not put men on pedestals and to not fantasize about who I think they might be. A man’s character is the sum of his choices and his actions.

I share all of this, because it might help someone else.  The truth is I was broken for a really long time and I chose really bad people based on that brokenness.  Today, I have clarity and insight.  I can look at someone objectively and decide if they are the right fit for me.  I have worked really hard to identify what it is I want in a partner.  Sometimes, I don’t really understand why people fear getting to know themselves.  I said to a sponsee the other day, “it’s not like you are going to wake up one day and realize you are a mass murderer.  All of this is just really good information for figuring out what you want and what it takes to make you happy.”

I am starting to realize that when it comes to love, I probably have more hope today than I ever did before.